Ponder.....there is a 'Mother'

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Imagine this scene if you will. Two babies are in utero confined to the wall of their mother's womb, and they are having a conversation. For the sake of clarity we'll call these twins Ego and Spirit.

Spirit says to Ego, "I know you are going to find this difficult to accept, but I truly believe there is life after birth."
Ego responds, "Don't be ridiculous. Look around you. This is all there is. Why must you always be thinking about something beyond this reality? Accept your lot inn life. Make your self comfortable and forget about all of this life-after-birth nonsense."

Spirit quiets down for a while, but her inner voice won't allow her to remain silent any longer. "Ego, now don't get mad, but I have something else to say. I also believe that there is a mother.

"A Mother!" Ego Guffaws. "How can you be so absurd? You've never seen a Mother. Why can't you accept that this is all there is? The idea of a Mother is crazy. You are here alone with me. This is your reality. Now grab hold of that cord. Go into your corner and stop being so silly. Trust me, there is no Mother."

Spirit reluctantly stops her conversation with Ego, but her restlessness gets the better of her. "Ego," she implores,"please listen without rejecting my idea. Somehow I think that those constant pressures we both feel, those movements that make us so uncomfortable sometimes, that continual re-positioing and all that closing in that seems to be taking place as we keep growing, is getting us ready for a place of glowing light, and we will experience it very soon."
"Now I know you are absolutely insane," replies Ego, "All you've ever known is darkness. You've never seen light. How can you even contemplate such an idea? Those movements and pressures you feel are your reality. You are a distinct separate being. This is your journey. Darkness and pressures and a closed in feeling are whatlife is all about. You'll have to fight it as long as you live. Now grab your cord and please stay still."
Spirit relaxes for a while, but finally she can contain herself no longer. "Ego, I have only one more thing to say and then I'll never bother you again."

"Go ahead, " Ego responds impatiently.
"I believe all of these pressures and all of this discomfort is not only going to bring us to a new celestial light, but when we experience it, we are going to meet Mother face to face and know and ecstasy beyond anything we have ever experienced up until now,"
"You are crazy, Spirit. Now I am truly convinced of it."

Excerpt from Your Sacred Self by Dr Wayne W Dyer.

HO HUM the UMNO Elections

A very appropriate video clip in conjunction with the announcement of the results.

FRIEND FOR A SEASON

Whenever I lament about being hurt, I am told that it is up to us to choose how we respond to life's challenges.It is how we respond emotionally and mentally that create either suffering or joy.

I was told feeling hurt is not necessary..I just need to 'Be'..These after all are illusions

The person who told me this used to be a shoulder to cry on, and the person whom I have trusted with everything that I have..my memories, my stories, my life. But this friend has transcended to a level of awareness beyond my perception. She is now invincible. Nothing hurts her anymore andtherefore, nothing she does SHOULD hurt anyone. After all these are all illusions.

In my quest for some semblance of truth in this whole fiasco of lies, I found this.


People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

In my position, I have no right to claim deceipt, but I vow to love my friend all the same. Surely, this friend is a reflection of me, one way or the other. I learnt from this that being aware, being free from the the illussions of life, being a transcended individual, does not justify anyone the right to hurt others, whether by speech, deed or even thought. I want so much to think well of you and thank you for the season we had together. May all your seasons be even better than the ones we have had.

Cool restaurant, cold waiters..

The buntings outside says Introductory Offer..Fish and Chips and Chicken Chop for half the price. Mariam and I thought..why not give it a shot. The restaurant looks chic.
We stepped in. The song of Pussycat Dolls floated out as we opened the glass door. Not the best kind of music to aid digestion, I thought..but nevermind. The black and white modern decore was pleasing to the eye and evoked a sense of class. The air was cool and pleasant. The greeting from the waiters ...chilly.

Nobody batted an eye lash at us. I had this sensation as if I have just snuck into a nice home, unwelcomed. We found a table we liked and made ourselves comfortable. At a corner two young malay men were sitting and chatting while eating nasi campur. It was 11 am in the morning but I guess some people prefer to have a heavy brunch. They were wearing black collared t-shirt with black trousers and had black aprons a cursived "Splendid" embroidered on their lapels. Uniform as classy as its interior. It was a good 10 minutes before an expressionless waiter presented us with the menu. “Apa yang sedap (What’s nice?)”, I asked him. His expression remained the same. "Cake ni sedap tak (Is this cake nice?)", He didn't answer. I was beginning to wonder if he just had his botox shot, or if he had some facial palsy. “Mestila awak kena kata sedap kan? Sebab awak kerja di sini (Surely you have to say it's nice, since you work here, right?) ” He gave me a half grin..ahh he CAN smile, I thought. I looked at Mariam and we smiled a private smile. We placed our order and he left.

I thought..forget the treatment, perhaps I can use this place to journal and read my book in the morning....just as that thought crossed my mind..the peaceful ambiance, flavoured by Pussycat Dolls’ songs was smashed to smitherins by a cackle of laughter and loud banterings at the cashier’s counter. The two waiters had finished eating and were teasing the girl at the counter loudly.

Classy decore, beautiful ambiance..all that for what..I am sure the restaurant owner had invested a hefty amount to garnish it with everything pleasing to the eyes, yet I wonder how much was spent to spruce up the most important element; the human factor. Did he take the trouble to make his staff feel proud to wear the restaurant’s uniform, so they act with respectful decorum when they adorn the restaurant's official attire. I also wonder what happened to the simple friendly gesture of smiling, and greeting guests, we asians are so famous for. Perhaps so much of our noble values are spent in our zealous chase of everything material.

2009 - Year of Courage and Hope

It has been many years since I made a new year's resolution. I gave up because my resolutions unraveled within weeks. even days. From simple things like waking up at a certain hour of the day, to going to the gym twice a week, to earning a certain amount per month or year. As a result, instead of inspiring me, and spurring me on through the year it made me feel like a complete loser whose words are not to be trusted. A weakling, unable to achieve the simplest of tasks.

My hiatus from blogging has led me to many resources which made me understand that whatever I face in the physical realm stems in its entirety from my internal state of mind. And I thought..wow that isn’t too difficult..I just need to change my mindset and everything will fall into place.
Hence I realise also that the clutter that manifests in my physical realm is due to the clutter plagueing my mind. That is the broad guidelines of the principle..and for someone like me, it gives me hope.

I realise that there is nothing to worrry about. So long as I am granted my time on this reality called Earth, I have nothing to fear. I and my children will be sufficiently provided for...and the extent of our provision is in direct proportion to how much I believe we deserve.

Knowing that I can change my life for the better makes me happy. Knowing that it is as simple as changing my thoughts gives me HOPE and COURAGE to try. It makes me feel less intimidated as opposed to methods requiring the identification of physical targets too scary to draw up due to my history of failures.

Hence today, taking the cue from a blog I avidly follow,
Zen Habits, I am going to be brave and make these resolutions . I think I will be able to keep it this time, because it isn’t anything mechanical but deals with my consciousness. It will be an experiment to see whether these theories are for real and see how it manifests in my physical realm.

Here are my Four Resolutions which I shall call My Commandments:

1. To be true to myself..no more pretenses
2. To practice gratitude everyday and keep a gratitude journal
3. To act from love and not from hatred or anger.
4. To believe I can be better then ever before and forgive myself if I err from this path

There are many more I can list but for fear of being over zealous and overwhelmed I shall start with these four.

HAPPY NEW YEAR..MAY THIS YEAR BE A YEAR WE SCULPT INTO GREATNESS!

Is there a Silver Lining In the Slush and Rubble..

I woke up with a start at 6.00 am. I rubbed sleep from my eyes to find the name flashing on the screen to be Kak Awe, my ex-husband’s sister. She wouldn't call at this hour unless it is terribly important. “There’s a landslide here..,"she said, "we are having a blackout.” That was expected, I thought. I asked her whether it’s on the way up to Bukit Antarabangsa as I saw some blue PVC sheets being laid on the steep slope along the road. "No,” she said, “it's at the bungalows. Abang Megat just missed it; he passed the location, just 15 minutes before it happened, and Ammar too. We are cut off...we are trapped in here.” I perked up...I obtained further details and finally managed to get a rough picture of where it actually happened....Yet the immensity of the disaster hasn’t sunk in. I found myself completely calculated, not really feeling, merely thinking, trying to identify solutions to the problem of them being trapped. Then, I remembered my sister, Nani. I told her I needed to call Nani because she hasn't called me, she is probably still asleep.
The first thing I asked Nani was, “You are having a black out now, right?"
“Yes, she said...why aaa?” she replied with a question...
“There’s a landslide, apparently about 7 bungalows affected...and you guys are cut off. No exit”
“Yes aa...where...Oh my God I can hear a helicopter...no electricity la, and water also very slow now. My battery running out. Lucky I charged the kids’ phones.”
“I will find out further and keep you wired. If I cannot get you, I will call their phones” I said.

I positioned myself at my watch post, in front of my puter.
There was nothing on the news yet, and when I googled, only old landslide stories appeared.

Later I opened my facebook and saw the first picture Nani posted. It was dark and I couldn’t see much. I saw the bungalow we all call the Cinderella house intact, and heaved a sigh of relief...it couldn’t be so bad...I thought. The road would be cleared within a day, at the most. Yet... a nagging worry was tugging at the back of my mind.

After half an hour, I saw Nani posted a brighter picture of the affected area. From her distance and angle, it still didn’t look too serious. It was only after 7 that the first news appeared on the Star Online website - 14 bungalows affected, and 4 people dead, 15 injured, 93 people rescued but 8 missing.
I began updating Kak Awe and Nani via sms and kept refreshing the page for the latest updates. I still thought it wasn’t too serious. I tried calling both of them but the line was getting congested. My heart constricted. A lump began to form in my throat. Fear and panic began to seep in slowly through my pores
Then Kak Awe called, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Slowly but surely I began to swell with panic. Then I saw the 7th update, which said that the 3 to 5 thousand residents who were cut off by the landslide will be evacuated...the graveness of the tragedy began to sink. I kept Kak Awe and Nani abreast with my SMSes.

Only when I saw the TV3 news, did I realise the immensity of the disaster...my legs felt like jelly...and tears began to stream down my cheeks. I looked at my phone and saw a message from Nani: “Can you pick us up at Athenaeum”. I called Kak Awe and asked her whether she was planning to leave...she said she was discussing with her husband... I was already reduced to tears. It was then, that Shake called me to tell me that he will be there to help too, I was so grateful.

I went with Umair, Johan, Zara and KT. We stopped to get mineral water and lots of bread so that they have something to eat, and we set out. Shake arrived first.
Seeing Nani and her family, my fear burst into joy. I was so relieved but relief gave way to worry again, since Kak Awe and family were still not seen. Kak Nab, Kak Awe's elder sister were there with her son, to wait for Kak Awe. After knowing that they were already on their way, I decided to leave. Meanwhile, Shake waited to see if he could help Kak Awe's family with transportation. Alas they had enough cars.

I am eternally grateful to Shake for his big heartedness. A friend in need like him is such a rarity. I am so blessed to have known and met him.

We made a pit stop at Diva for lunch. I can't imagine what it must have felt for Nani...having to leave her belongings behind...and having to live in a crammed room in my house, no air cond and such. Water pressure is also lower in my house as opposed to hers

Being a Cancerian, home is my sanctuary...and I know how off balance I would be if I were displaced like her. But she took it with such tranquility and grace.

Later, we had to drive back to BA to send my clothes to the laundry. Even if everything looked perfectly normal around the Giant area, you won't be able to dismiss the highly charged energy there. It was like the air, the trees and the earth were trying to tell us something. They speak too, but their language cannot be heard...it can only be felt.

It was only during this time that the immensity of the disaster sank in. Sadness fell like a heavy curtain around me...My mind cowered under the onslaught of “what ifs” ...As we went about our business, I thanked Allah for sparing my family and so many more. But my thoughts went to those who have lost their loved ones and their homes. I thought of how they are unable to carry on their normal business as I was, and of how their lives are changed forever.

I have always been able to find a wisp of silver lining or two in my tribulations...but in this case, the overcast is too vast and heavy for me to discern any light, just yet...It was then did I realise how small we are, and how nothing is certain in this life...

Paulo Coelho's Statutes For Life

To open the virtual card, point your mouse to the bottom right hand corner and click.



I love this man, and I love the way he thinks and writes. I am inclined to agree with him, most of the time.

If Today Be Sweet- Thrity Umrigar

If Today Be Sweet: A Novel by Thrity Umrigar

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
When I first read The Space Between Us by Umrigar, I was so mesmerised by her authorship that I was googling to find if she has any other published books. I was disappointed, then. That must have been about 2 years ago. A few days back when I was googling again to satisfy my craving for a shot of good literary work, I was elated to find quite a number of books by her and decided to take a trip to the bookstore to get this one. It is not as fast a read as the Space but as poignant and evocative as ever. Perhaps Tehmina's soliloquy touched me to he core because I am a single mother with a grown up son, whom I believe loves me as much as I love him. Perhaps Tehmina's closeness to Rustom reminded me of my mom and dad's closeness and how my mom is still coping from her loss when dad left her so abruptly due to a heart attack..perhaps. But definitely, without a doubt it is her gift to chain your attention with her beautiful flow of words, and the big heartedness of her characters..i recommend it to anyone who has a mom, has a wife, anyone who is a mom herself. It will make you a better person..surely...

Now I am craving for another good read..


View all my reviews.

MAGIC BLOCKS

I was first introduced to this ingenious creation when I was 9 or 10. A family friend who returned from a study sabatical from England brought this as a present for me, Uncle Darmis and Auntie Rohani. When I was 6 years old, my parents decided to send me to a good Kindy in Green Lane. The Kindy operator sent and picked up children, but where I lived was out of the way. I was then staying in Brown Gardens Gelugor. So I transited at their home, a quarters within the RECSAM campus.My parents would pick me up when they returned from school at around 2pm.At the time, LEGO was unknown in Malaysia, at least not in Penang. Those original LEGO pieces are still kept in my mom's house in Minden Heights along with a hodge podge of other LEGO and DUPLO pieces I later bought for my elder children.

A few months ago I bought a set for my two little heroes..and it was the best decision I have ever made to part with my hard earned money. Muaz would come home from school and pour the bucket out while he is transported into his own LEGO world. It took a while for me to train him to change and eat and have his shot of Sustagen first before he is allowed to play for half and hour and later complete his homework before he can continue playing. Never have any toy I bought managed to capture his attention in this manner. The way the boys play is totally different from the way I did. Obviously I wasn't as imaginative as they are, because I was merely copying what was shown on the box, but the boys let their imagination roam free and create all sorts of things. Lately I am recipient to many gifts from vehicles to Aircrafts to Robots to cute little homes. I feel a twist of guilt as I toss these creations into its bucket at the end of the day since my workstation gets cluttered with them..but I know more will come my way..so I guess it doesn't matter..I only managed to take a picture of these three..but I promise there will be more to come.

Flipped

¿noʎ ʇ,uop 'sıɥʇ ǝʌol ı ˙ɹoɹɹıɯ ʎʞoɯs ɐ ǝʞıl sı ǝɟıl ɹno zoɔ 'ʇı ʎɹʇ ˙ʞuıɥʇ noʎ ʇ,uop ƃuıʇsǝɹǝʇuı ǝʇınb sı sıɥʇ
find it here

MUAZ'S SCHOOL OPEN DAY

He has been waiting for this for a long time. 2 weeks is a long time for a child of 5..Every morning when I or his brother sent him to school he would be asking me to go along with him, to see him take part in a colouring contest. "Can you please come with me, Ummi. Can you come and see me colour in school. I will colour so nice for you..please Ummi." I would have to say, "It's not today, Muaz..but on that day you will be with your Dad..you can ask Dad to take you, ok". Deep in my heart..I worry that he won't take Muaz and I know how that will break Muaz's heart. Muaz withdrew to a corner and sulked. Droplets of tears on his cheeks.."I don't want to go..". "Just two days Muaz..and you will be back with me again.." "I don't want to go.." he screamed..All I could do was hug him until his sobs subside. This has been the ritual everytime this issue is raised.

I feel helpless because the agreement is such. The youngest two has to go to their father every two weeks..the court has decided and I am not one to go back on my words. It is good that they have some time with their father, too. I know whatever God provides is always the best, and that belief has helped me face everyday with a positive attitude, even if it hurts me and appear to hurt my children sometimes. All I could do was hope and pray and trust. Meanwhile, whatever hurts or cuts my children came home with, I try my best to heal, because that is life. They will need to learn. And whatever joys they came home with I encourage and reinforce.

Friday came and went and the children were still with me. I am so grateful that things have worked out this way. So this morning we got ready to go to Muaz's school open day/art exhibition. The children sang and spelled and counted and coloured. While they were colouring, I had the chance to visit Muaz's class to see his artwork. After all was said and done, I had the greatest reward ever..one that not the rubies and diamonds in the world can match. Muaz came to me, kissed me and hugged me with great candour, and whispered in my ears, "Thank you so much Ummi. I love you so much". "I love you too, Muaz". "Do you think I am smart to colour?"(he always articulates his question in this manner when he has done something to make me proud) "I think you are brilliant, genius the most wonderful in the whole world, baby". Satisfied with the answer, he gave me a final hug and off he went again to play with his friends..

Muaz won a consolation prize in the colouring contest, but that is not important. Not to him, or to me. What's important is the fact that we spent time together and Muaz will have this archived in his memory. What's important is he knows that he is loved and we are always proud of him. Hopefully he will carry this values through in his life and when he has his own children, will appreciate and be proud of them, the way I am of him. I carry this value with me, because my parents bequethed it to me, and they lived the family values they preach. And it is those values that has kept me standing and held my children and I together during the hardest of times.

I am now floating with the joy of that appreciation that Muaz has showered me.

I am inviting you to share my joy..do watch this images I managed to record.

Another Funeral

Another cousin of mine passed away yesterday. This cousin was quite close to the family, a first cousin, my mom's brother's son,. His dad, passed away when his youngest sister was about 2 or 3 years old ( I am not sure how old he was, then). My mom once recounted the incident of her elder brother kissing his children one by one as a farewell gesture, on his death bed and told Mom to help keep an eye on his children when he is gone. So, Mom and Dad kept their word and helped to ‘keep an eye’ on all his children. So at some point in each of their lives, they came to stay with us, so as to enable them to be placed in a reputable school, since school was (and is still even till today) allocated based on a child’s location of residence. So during that period, they became a member of the family; another sibling for me. They came to stay one at a time. So during that period, when my teacher asked how many members in the family I had, I remember always quoting two extra siblings, because there was always one of them in our family and I always thought that mother’s younger foster sister was my elder sister..

What struck me most during this funeral was that while I am lamenting about God’s “failure” to answer my prayers, there before me, stood a woman, strong and stoic as she came face to face with the death of her son. She has been well acquainted with Death, who has claimed so many of her beloved's lives, beginning with her husband when she was barely 30, and then a son, due to talasemia, when he was in his teens; and later another son, from the same disease; and today the latest addition of her offspring has been invited by Death to join those who have gone before her. And I thought..it must be a lot harder for a mother to see her child precede her , yet this mother who have lost three, did not complain. She surrendered and put all her faith and fate in the hands of Almighty God. While I?????
.

For that reason, this funeral was the most humbling experience for me. One that taught me to be thankful for all the children that God has blessed me with, regardless of the challenges that they face, or the challenges that they pose to me. It taught me to pause before complaining about my plight, and instead to seek the opportunity to find the blessings often hidden behind every challenge and hence practice gratitude for everything that God has bestowed.. It made me realise the wealth of wisdom behind everything that He bestows regardless of whether they are in the form of challenges or blessings. And that when we trace His actions to the roots, it will inevitably lead us to a point where we understand that they are all grounded in His Love and Benificence.



I saw the procession we made to the cemetry as a farewell gesture to a loved one, because we will not meet again for a long long time. But it is not like we will never ever meet again. God has explicitly described in the Quran , that we shall eventually do so in another world. I don’t know, perhaps we had the same procession in the spirit world before we were sent into our mother's womb..but God did not permit us to remember it, or we did not then have the physical facility to store the memory of that experience. And later on in the womb, we perhaps had the same procession or ritual before we were sent out to this world called earth...and now we proceed to another realm. With this realisation, instead of the deep seated fear that I used to experience when I encountered the death of close family and friends, I felt God's love cradling me and comforting me. I felt His Love and Benificence in the way He made us grow into these different forms, to cater to the environment in the different ‘worlds’ he has created for us.

I used to seek solace in other human beings to resolve or at least dampen the fear that I have about death, but now, as God made me stand alone, with no companion to share my fears, I begin to understand that another human can never give me the solace that I seek. It is only Almighty God who can bestow that boon, and this fear can only be overcome, by feeling His presence in the form of His LOVE and by being in communication with Him.

And I know that my cousin is in the lap of God’s Love now. He was a good man. And he is in a new world tonight..And the Prophet PBUH once said that if your sins are as far and wide as the distance between this earth and the sky, believe that verily, God's Grace is far greater than that!! (I hope no one will come and say that this is a false Hadith, since i am not too scholarly to quote the source..)

Mary

"Mom, you’re lazy and stupid and ugly”, Mary said to her mom smiling a cheeky smile. Then she disapeared into the hall where the rest of the family were sitting, waiting for her to serve lunch

Maggie’s tears trickled down her cheeks. She wiped it off while she stirred her curry..
She could hear her husband Willy’s laughter...

Mary appeared again, “Dad said you are ugly and fat and slow,” the five year old puffy cheeked china doll appeared again, and off she went in a puff.

Maggie told herself, she doesn’t know what she is saying. She is too young to understand that it is not a joke. Mary was terribly close to her dad, the youngest and the favourite among the four children he sired with her. Tears fell like rain, as she wrestled to stop it, stifling the sobs that was battling to escape her throat. She must get lunch ready. She beat herself up for being such and incompetent wife and mother, who can't even make sure that lunch is served on time.

It's ok, she told herself, this is just an ephemeral world..when she dies, she will pay to enter heaven’s gate with her patience, and there everything will be perfect. Willy will love her just as much as she loves him, everything will be fine. It was said that this world is fleeting..compared to the hereafter, so she shall brace herself to face the worst here, for a better life there....

Lunch went uneventfully, with no one talking at the table, except Willy pointing out that the food was tasteless and telling everyone to close their mouths while eating.

“Tomorrow, you get Mary ready. I am taking her with me,” he said with a tone, which no one dared to challenge.

“Where to? just her? What about the boys?,” Mom asked.

“Just get her ready..” Willy said and got up to leave the table..

~~~~~*~~~~~

Mary hugged her mom, and clambered into the 4WD. She was quiet for a long time, until the car turned in a direction which was completely unfamiliar to her. “Where are we going, Dad?", she asked quietly...

“I am taking you to meet someone," he said looking at her with a tender smile. .

She looked at him, and felt a funny tiny sensation in her gut.

They turned around a final corner and she saw a woman waiting by the street. Daddy stopped and told her to climb to the back. The lady climbed in. Her lips painted scarlet..that was the first thing Mary noticed. Her eyes were heavily made up deep blue. Her cheekbones stained pink. The sweet smell of her perfume filled every nook and cranny of the car, and Mary’s nostrils, nauseating her. She must be pretty to Daddy's eyes. "Hi, you must be Mary,” she said as her red lips stretched into a smile. Want to come and sit with me? Mary knew she had to be polite, so she smiled and shook her head.

“This is Auntie Naddy, Mary..." Daddy turned around and smiled a brilliant smile. It was obvious that daddy was very happy, a certain kind of light seemed to gleam in his eyes. When was the last time she saw that gleam? It was so long ago, those days when he used to bring her and the rest of the family for holidays or for a good meal at a posh restaurant. It was almost like a dream. She has almost forgotten it ever existed...now she knows, Naddy.stole it..
Mary saw daddy’s hand slip across the hand brakes seeking for Naddy's. The tiny flutter in her gut, stirred again, a little more violently this time...can he do that? Something wasn't right. She somehow knew instinctively, this act was completely misplaced.

Daddy's hand found Naddy's and she saw him carressing her fingers while she carressed his. Mary felt a lump in her throat..but something told her to be silent. She felt like crying but the tears all seem to be stuck in her throat. The road began to climb...she wanted to ask where they were taking her, but she couldn't. She didn’t want to go with them, she just wanted to go home to Mom...finally they stopped. Mary could see a few Fairy’s Wheel and a Merry Go Roiund with horses...and a myriad of other rides. They climbed out of the car..Daddy held her hand, while Naddy took the other..."People must think she's your daughter..she's so pretty like you, " she heard her Daddy say and Naddy giggled, she couldn't look at them anymore. She felt so betrayed. Why? She didn’t know. Later, they put her on the merry go round while they waited for her on the ground..when her horse spun to the place where they were standing, she could see daddy hugging Naddy.. the flutter in her gut now became a violent stir. Her entire gut felt like pouring out onto the merry go round floor, along with her tears.

Just as the wrenching twist in her gut became unbearable, everything stopped.. Mary felt nothing..numb....

The rest was a blurr..

She walked with them, but registered nothing...

When she reached home, she neither smiled nor laughed nor cried..she hugged her mom dutifully. but did not cling with affection like she used to. She was silent..she saw mom's tear stained face but did not feel sorry anymore. She untangled herself and went straight up to change and laid awake for a long time in bed..

Muaz and Huzaifah's Space Oddysey

They took a box which once housed a TV, coloured the wings with crayon, even did a dashboard with the polystyrene..and they're off to space....





The creativity of babies..i just have to immortalise it.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Reverend Countess Shakirah the Intractable of Gallop Hophill Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Eleven

The clock struck 11 again. The hour of bliss. He will be here soon. He is always on the dot, plus or minus two minutes. This is the hour she looks forward to every single day seven days a week, there's no holiday, no weekends, no annual leave, except for the times when he had to go away, out of state or out of the country. But even so he will call without fail and they will spend at least a few minutes to renew their vows and their love for one another. Just a few minutes to revitalise the very rare innate connection which they felt only they had.

The first time they met, they could almost pre-empt what the other was going to say. She could sense his sadness even if he was laughing boisterously pretending that everything was fly and he too could do the same. When she thought of him, within seconds he would call and they would chat about absolutely nothing for hours. In fact, whenever she was down or upset, that was the exact time he would call and the sun would peak through the clouds again and everything would turn around and be well again. She would know he was out of town, even before he told her.

11 was an implied agreement between them. No express promises were made, he would just be there rain or shine. Every time he sent her home after their rendezvous, the moment the car turned the corner near her home, she felt a deep sinking in her heart. She never spoke a word about it, neither did she plan to. But one night the words just bubbled out of her lips..”Every time we reach this corner, I feel really sad,” she said, looking out the car window, not daring to look at him. She felt like tearing her tongue and lips apart for betraying her.. "Ya..me too," came the almost unintelligible reply...she dared herself to turn and look at him. And when their eyes met, their implied agreement was signed in blood. She wanted to just crumble into his arms, but that was totally unacceptable. So she braced herself until they reached her home. Before she melted, she said a hurried thank you for the lovely drink and ran off into her house.

From that moment on, every day at 11 pm he would be there to spend time with her. They would take a ride through town, go for drinks and sit in their crib for a chat. That was the time when they could be themselves, she was his sounding board, a place he could just bare open his problems and cry if he wanted to. He knew she would understand and sometimes she would even have the answers. She also could do the same. It was their time, in their little bubble, when the whole world was a distant dream.. they cried they laughed and acted stupid together ..those few hours every single day. 11pm gave them a reason to go through the entire day just to taste the bliss of the hour...11 pm washed their souls from the pains of the day’s reality. 11pm got them ready to face the next day with renewed dreams.. and tonight, just like every other night..she waits for her 11 pm.. all made up and ready to greet him...

“Hello auntie...are you ready? Oh you look beautiful tonight"

“He’s almost here...do I look alright?” she smiled at the nurse who helped her up from the couch and handed her walking frame.

"You look lovely, Auntie."


“Come let’s brush your hair..make it nice and shiny.?" The nurse said kindly, as she ran the comb through her thinning hair which was almost all white now.

The nurse helped put her feet up and pulled the blanket over her breasts..it sometimes gets chilly at night, even if the summer days are scorching..."If I fall asleep, please wake me up when he arrives, ok?"

“Sure auntie..good night”

“Goodnight. Dear..I never told anyone that I love him and always will...”

The nurse smiled turned off the lights.

She sighed...That completed her ritual in room 104.

And she braced herself for the ritual in the next lonely room of the Nursing Home for the Aged.

Pre Breakfast Foreplay

He sat down on the bed and gave me the most loving look I have seen in a long time. I have been so busy, it's been quite a while since we had spent some time together. I found his longing permeating across the room too much to resist. Admitting defeat, I walked across , lay down next to him and held out my arm. His piercing look touched the very core of my heart. Ahhh I am truly defeated and happy to be too. The day’s chores stretching out before me slowly melted into oblivion along with his dilating pupils in his light coloured eyes. When he's like this..I am almost certain that he loves me with all his heart...He moved closer to rest his head on my arm while his ‘hand’ reached out to touch my shoulder ever so lightly. Ahh moments like this are so rare these days.

I reminisced about how it all began. It’s been almost three years since I’ve known him. I am certain it wasn’t really love at first sight even though I am generally smittens by the likes of him . He had such an attitude and I thought he doesn’t even look that good. Those days he used to snap easily and was ready to take revenge with a vengeace even on small matters like touching him on the wrong spot. But when i found out about his congenital heart problem, and that he acted like that due to the discomfort he experienced, my compassion eventually gave way to 'lurve' .

But he has changed so much now. His turning point was the day KT and Zara found him struggling to breathe, and we hurried him to the hospital. He was in the ICU for three whole days, leaving us worried about whether he was going to pull through. It was then that we found out about his ailment. He was born with a heart too small for his size.

When we brought him home, he reformed..Of course he still snaps when you really touch him on the wrong spot, but now I know what to avoid, it doesn't happen too often ...and now with him on my arm..i feel like the whole world is at my feet...sigh...

Then as we were both about to doze off...”Makan makan makan (Eat,eat, eat)” Zara’s breakfast call rang through the house....he pricked his ears and in a flash..jumped off the bed to join his fellow felines for their breakfast..and just like that ..he was gone again for the day...

Figaro..I love you :-).

A slice of tale

Maya’s sweat broke into beads on her forehead; funny however, that she’s feeling cold. She felt the numbness creep from her toes up to her ankles, slowly moving up to her knees. Her entire body ached, she didn’t know what to do..she decided to pull the covers over her head. But that amplified the sound of her drumming heart and made her already labourious breathing even more difficult. She changed her mind. She dared not turn her back to the window, nor does she dare turn toward it. Dared not sleep on her back, nor on her tummy, because Granny said that is how the bad spirits sleep and doing that would be an open invitation to them.

She heard it again a high pitched cackle which seemed to last for hours but probably was only for a few seconds..and it died off slowly. Then it was dead silence. The comforting humm of cars passing through the highway which can be seen from her bedroom window ceased by 2.30am. Just as the silence began to lull her to sleep..the cackle began again, and each time it did, it seemed to be getting closer to her window.

Even the clock appeared to be in cohorts with the cackler, by ticking ever so slowly. It’s now only half past three. It won’t be another 3 hours, at least, before the cockerel in the neighbour’s yard would cock a doodle doo, about the same time the army barracks would sound its morning horn to wake its inhabitants...another three whole hours before the world would come to life and the sound that wouldn't stop teasing her, would allow her to continue her slumber.

Life My Friend

Sometimes Life has a way of making you feel that no matter how hard you try nothing is ever good enough. Many times, when you are already down, that is when life wrestle you to the ground. You try your best to do good, you set your mind to turn a better leaf the next day, and that would be the precise moment when it throws carcasses at you, and you will need to postpone your plan, because you need to clean it up. And when everything is almost cleared, and you eventually manage to pick yourself up, off it goes tackling you to the ground again, before you even manage to brush the dust off yourself.

Sometimes, you just help others because you want to help. You were not even thinking about God's merits, or that good things will come back to you, you just like helping people for the joy of it. But even then, life gives you challenges, as if to arm twist you into saying..'I shouldn't have helped'..Why, I wonder. Once I talked to God and told Him, if it is true that You try those You love most the hardest, please don't love me that much. I am tired of life, tired that I have to fight not just for myself but for 7 other lives.Tired of not being able to give them the best. Tired to have to keep telling them to be patient..Tired of saying I haven't got enough. .

The best part is, the challenges life throw at you, leave you completely desolate ..no friends, no one..you are expected to take everything in alone, whichever way you turn, you reach out, to the only people left that you trust, they turn their backs on you. You are left on an Island all alone to survive with next to nothing.

Life SUCKS to say the least..you don’t want to have anything to do with life, you want to throw in the towel, you lose faith in friends, moreover the only friend that you trust, is the first to turn his/her back on you. All these has left you numb. You desparately need to touch the base of your sadness, to cry and let it out of your system..only then, you reckon, you will feel better...and it is at this point that your thoughts become silent.

In this deafening silence..a certain kind of peace pervades over you. You feel something warm rising up from the grounds seeping through you, warming you up from the inside. You wonder what it is...ahhh is it LOVE?..surely it is LOVE...Then HOPE followed suit. These two wonderful feelings fuse together and fill you up to the brim. You begin to swell with the warmth, slowly but surely it begins to flush out the negative feelings from your system. Once they are all flushed out, from every pore of your being, the concoction of love and hope seeps out in a kaleidescope of multicoloured light, spreading itself far and wide all around you. You become engulfed in feelings of gratitude, love, forgiveness and compassion. You make a decision to love and help within your means, regardless, simply because it brings you joy. You realise, the world doesn’t revolve around you and you forgive your friend for turning his/her back on you, and you promise yourself you will never do that to him/her. You feel the turmoil of the person who has hurt you, and you know in your heart she didn't mean to hurt you.. it is inadvertent, and you are conquered by the feeling of compassion and you pray that the person is given peace because she is forgiven and loved. And that thought gave you pure joy.
And just like that, everything else falls back into place.
Just like that, you are friends with life again.
Just like that, you acknowledge life as your greatest teacher and embrace it with all the love that you have
And you decide to enjoy your ride on this earth, and give the best of you to everything and everyone around you, before you settle in her womb.

The Most Beautiful Sight To Behold

The most beautiful sight to behold, in my opinion is two of the best martial artists doing their "thang'. One kick, the other block, spin and punch and the other squat and toss about while swishing his leg causing the opponent to fall, but the opponent, using the momentum of his fall, immediately bounces back gracefully into an upright position and in doing os swing kick the agressor. Both sweating profusely..panting like a running predator..with the beating of the chinese drums thumping in sync with the beating of your heart yet melting into the background as your entire attention is focused on the impeccably choreographed movements of the two fighting men.
Ahhh ..i devour the sights and sounds of such fights especially when the two men are..JET LI and JACKIE CHAN; in the same wonderful MOVIE!!


Forbidden Kingdom is a must see for kung fu movie buffs. Jet Li is one hell of a martial artist. I fell in love with him when I watched the Tai Chi Master, many years ago. While Jackie Chan..I have watched so many of his movies, I can't even remember which one was my first.

Both have aged, but obviously haven't lost their sting. And this is the first time I saw Jet Li smiling a full smile..and acting in the same movie as crazy Jackie Chan. Brilliant movie, lots of cliche..corny jokes in some parts but once you block that out, and make a decision to just enjoy the show, it becomes a relaxing watch. It even has some great Buddhist wisdom to boot... The few that i remember are..how can you learn anything when your cup is full...empty your cup..
Or
The water is fluid and soft, yet it can defeat the rock (or something like that)
or
Revenge will only come back to haunt you..or something like that..i am not very good at remembering words of wisdom like that.
I will obviously need to find the DVD soon.