Monday, January 15, 2007

Yesterday as I was driving home with KT in our good old faithful, Kt pointed out to the car which I just overtook. “Oh My God, Ummi. Pity the lady driving that car”
“Why?”, I asked her. The car wasn't too grand or fancy, but most certainly more grandios and definitely fancier than the one we were in. "She is crying like crazy, ummi. She looks so bad, poor thing." "Where?" I asked KT. "There just behind us, in the right lane". Being the busy body as all humans are..I slowed down.."Slow down, ummi” “ Oh No Ummi, I am so sorry for you think someone died?"
"Perhaps..", i trailed off. We came to a traffic light but I never managed to actually look at the lady but I can picture her like a big screen tv on my windshield. My hair stood on its ends. Past emotions, sights, smells just overtook me as I remembered how I used to be that woman, on this very road. How my solitude in the car was an opportunity for me to pour out my frustrations, scream and speak to God aloud, and ask Him, "Why me?". Why must He bring my marriage to an end, why He ravaged the one thing that I valued most, way above my ambitions, way above everything. I remembered, how Allah put that small voice in me which said, "Be will see why. It is because He loves you. He loves you and has a lot more stashed away for you..He just wants to see how patient you are…you’ll see." " How can that be" I asked Him back. "I do not want this. I do not want you to show your love to me this way..Love me like you love everyone else..those you gave wealth, happiness perfect families!" "I have something much better for you”, the voice would come back..I wanted to believe that voice, but at the time, it just did not seem plausible. But oh..the conundrum of life…He has all the answers…and from me at the time, the answer He wanted was merely “Patience”
Patience is certainly a virtue which I have not achieved, but regardless how impatient I was and am, who am I to fight The Omnipotent..Like it or not, I had to accept what He has destined for me. Looking back, I feel like it was similar to those first few days in school when Mom told me, she had to leave me alone in school, she won't be waiting in the canteen because she had to go teach in her school. I used to cry and throw tantrums, but she still left me, just so that I learn to be independent, learn to be a girl instead of a baby and later a woman, instead of a girl. Similarly, that was what He was doing to me. It was painful, but the fruits are sweet..bitter sweet, like the best Durians you can find in town. Now, I love every minute of my life.
I wake up every morning with a purpose. Just quoting one blessing is enough to sum up the cornerstone of my happiness right now..the peaceful faces of my sleeping boys..and their cute protests when I wake them up to go to school is enough to make me thank Him that I am still alive and able to do good and repent for another day. Instead of being all tensed up and screaming in anger in an attempt get them ready in fear, I laugh at their antics, and they always eventually relent ..and when they step out of the car into their school grounds, they go with a zest rather than all deflated after their esteem has been stampeded all over by angry parents.
I felt warm water flowing down my nostrils ( i know ewww) and then i realised the tears on my cheeks. My tears were for 2 reasons..Firstly, for the wrongs I have done to my elder babies, my impatience and stress simply because I had no inner peace, and I was too caught up in trying to please others. And secondly for the girl in the car. I feel some form of solidarity, a strong bond, linking me to her…fellow sisters on this earth, trying to decipher what God has in store for us. I wish i could reach out to her, hug her and tell her..listen to that small voice in your heart. Go back to God..He really have something better for you..I know you don't believe me now..but one day not far from now, you will understand what i am saying. I love you dear sister..and God Almighty Loves you..and who can beat that love!!