Thursday, February 28, 2008


I messed up my blog layouts again. I think I have done this once before. But I guess this is just like life. You take a whole lot of time and effort to build something, and it only takes a click of a button to destroy it. But that's ok, I will just need to rebuild it again, and I am sure this is going to be a really interesting journey.
I have lost all my buttons and links to my favourite blogs, but perhaps this is a doorway to new frontiers.
Yup, got my back pack ready, and I am off on my new adventure again

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


I woke up in the morning feeling so down, I cannot even begin to describe it. A deep and profound sense of helplessness and despair was just hovering over me. I slumped back into bed, and just gave in to the feeling that began to overpower me...tears of sadness just trickled down my cheeks, and my silent sniffles eventually gave way to sobs. I wished I could just curl up into a ball and disappear..Signs have been showing me that i have to relinquish certain things that have been weighing me down, making me sad. How could I be so blind and stupid as not to see...

I needed to find my balance again, and there's only one way to do it:
I just let the whole emotion take control over me, i needed to get to the bottom of this all engulfing emotion which i have been bottling up for so long. I needed to feel and understand what it is that i am grieving so deeply about.

Grieving...hmm now that’s a clue..Somehow, i needed to get to my state of balance again, but what is this that is not allowing me to do that. I began to feel the deep sense of something terribly unpleasant bubbling up inside me..something which gave out this deafening high pitched whistling sound only audible to my ears...the kind of sound that penetrates so deep to the very quick of me..was it my ears that was the audience to this play of sound? can my heart hear?..does the heart have such faculties...LONELINESS...yes..It's you, isn't it..rearing your ugly head trying to grip and throw me off balance out of the ring just like a Sumo Wrestler. I am just completely sprawled and bruised all over, outside the ring of balance of course. I needed to get up, wipe off the dirt, and most of all heal the bruises of humiliation and rebuild my hope that there is still love left for me.
As I acknowledged Loneliness' presence, it dawned upon me that I have a full hectic day sprawled out before my feet, stretching almost endlessly. Denying and fighting him will do no good..that much, I know..this guy can be very persistent.
"Hello Loneliness," I greeted him.."I would love to sit and chat, know I can't, not now at least," I said.
"Huh, think you can handle me? You think you can make me go?", Loneliness replied with his normal arrogance, "What if I decide to stay?"
"Well Loneliness..I really mean it when I said I would love to sit and chat..but really not now..I love your company you know..but right now, we won't be doing justice to one another, so please please go home.."
"Bah! You can’t handle me, lady” he spat
Tears of defeat began to well up inside me and slowly feelings I have tried to keep at bay crept up on me, I began to feel that despair, of not having anyone to talk to at the same level, of the shoulder that I wish I have to rest my head once in awhile, of the grind I have to go through today, the financial problems I am facing all on my own and the list goes on and on...then..STOP!! I have to stop this! “Of course I can..I know you are trying to make me blame every other person that comes into contact with me for having you here..and ONE person in particular for that matter..but it is up to ME whether or not I decide to allow you to do that.. I said please but you wouldn't I command you to go home.." I conjured up all the resolve I had to convince him to leave..and he knew I meant it
“Please don’t send me home.."I noticed him weakening..and i began to feel refreshed
"Right now..why don't you take a break..go have a kit kat or something..go to sleep, you had a long night last night, bugging me..I need to let someone else take over your about Gratitude.."
“Ok call the shots as usual...don't have too good a day, coz you know, I'll be back..”
"You go rest Lonelinesss, you need it as much as anyone does..I will need you soon. Trust me, I will call you..very soon..I love you Loneliness, never make a mistake about you go now and rest.."
“Alright Mistress..I love you too, and that’s why I am here..I will be here when you call me..but please don’t make me wait too long, that is when I will go beserk and come uninvited when you don't need me.." Loneliness said as he retreated. I hugged him and bade him goodbye
"Hi Gratitude," I greeted her. She was all glowing and well, as beautiful as ever..brilliant and incandescent.."Thank you for being here. You saved my day life even :)"
"Look at these boys aren't they the cutest and the smartest thing in this entire universe," I said as we both looked at Muaz and Huzaifah sleeping soundly on my bed. I knew I will have to wake them up soon..and I will have to argue with Muaz that it was morning already..and he would say, “No Ummi, the sun is not up’s still night!” and the whole process which I have gone through every morning would repeat itself but now, more often than not, with great JOY..Gratitude and I smiled. I knew that morning that the day which would unfold would be wonderful is always wonderful to begin my day with a smile and Gratitude next to me. I took in a deep breath and gratitude squeezed my hand..Thank you God for keeping me alive today..for allowing me to erase all the wrongs that I have done and rewrite my life for another day. This is certainly going to be a bestselling box office and I, gratitude, and every other friend we have...loneliness, happiness, anger, pain, sorrow, laughter, jealousy..everyone..we all will add colour to this beautiful story...