ANOTHER EID

Ramadhan came and went..and so did Hari Raya Aidilfitri..the wonderful Eid. I decided not to take any cookie orders because i wanted to drink the wonderful blessings of Ramadhan and not battle away baking during the last few nights of the Beautiful Month. Even though those who went to the mosque were not welcoming, but God's house opens its doors and arms to us..and it was wonderful nestling in the Cradle and warmth of its arms again...In spite of that, He provided as He promised..for He never breaks His promise..We had a wonderful time as a family, I managed to earn enough to buy each of you new clothes. And nice ones too. We even managed to go back home to Penang and had a grand time in a long long time. We made your grandmother extremely happy, we visited my auntie Na..and her family..these are the only family left for my children and me. And the best part was my sister went home too..so it was a grand family get together.
Closer to home, it was a pretty isolated Raya for us. Neighbours did open houses but we were not invited for any one of them, but hey it doesn’t matter..I didn’t open my house, so why should they open their houses to my family. I know that even if you all said it is okay, it hurts inside..it is okay..really..always be sure that there is always something to learn from all these..you just have to be patient. Normally lessons we can learn are not discernable in an instant, such is God's ways..but i must say that the most obvious is ..if you ever do one in the future..open house, or any form of invitation..never isolate anyone..especially those who appear to be lesser than you..
My friend once told me..don’t look at Islam from the way the Muslims react..always turn to God .
But of course..where else can you turn..everything belongs to Him..we live from His ever infinite Mercy and Grace the One and only God. But my dear friend..what is faith if it has no followers. It is the followers that carry the integrity of the faith..people cannot see the manifestation of the faith unless it is practiced by us humans, hence where else can you look, for the merits of a faith if not at the followers. I am not the best of followers, but we should always strive to be..baby steps, one at a time..and always remember He can always change our hearts. So pray that He keeps our heart on the right path..regardless. Many people will applaud at our isolation, my dear children..but it is ok, because it is not they who judge us in the end. We just do our best, and always be thankful for everything that He has given us..remember, so much has changed for the better and only He deserve the credit for that..

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

Author unknown.

Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice

A couple of days ago was an exciting day for me. I didn't realise my blog on "My bestfriend's birthday" could stir up such scorn among certain individuals in such a manner which i never intended in the first place. I thought..wow..an occassion to write eventually..as if Allah Almighty has decided to grant me time to write again..so dare I argue with Him...
I just feel obligated to clarify that I have been brought up in a family where forgiveness is a forte, respected and loved. After all, God promises a gargantuan manor in the hereafter when one forgives. My parents are loving and forgiving people. Besides that, I was also raised in a family where peace and love is of greatest value. Never pick a fight with people. If people pick a fight with you...let it go..let God take care of it, Babah would say.
Hence my "My bestfriend's birthday" posting was an attempt to lay it down in writing, that Regardless of my eventual decision to jump ship, the responsibility of raising the beautiful souls we brought to this earth can be shouldered by both parties, the mom( me) and the dad (kids' dad)in a positive manner in the spirit of forgiveness and peace. My marriage with the children's dad is HISTORY, regardless of how hard he stamps his feet and bang the ground and contest the 'lafaz'..in spirit..the matrimony is null and void..non existent..kaput..zilch. While,I am using all my efforts and resources to ensure that this goes thru legally. But it doesn't mean we can't rise above our personal puny self indulgences and silly pride and be honourable enough to keep our friendship intact for the sakes of the children. But then again, on second thoughts, i know i have risen above that, so those who want to stay down, kindly stay out of my realm..

Initially, I was rather foolishly disturbed when I was accused of "Gila Talak" due to my posting..that I had to call my ever faithful Sounding Board brother to just get his opinion on whether i sound like i was pining for my X. Bro, your reply.."dicey..." made me jump out of my skin..i couldn't get hold of the puter then..so i was like as the malay saying goes "mother cat in labour"..because that was not my intention at all. I needed to get my hands on my blog..i needed to read it again..and eventually when i did..phew!!! It didn't sound like that at all..but then again, yes..any writings can be open to innumerous amount of interpretation..there isalways 360 ways to look at anything..
Hence as much as my blog is my domain, my realm, my RIGHT to express myself, to create a legacy for my babies; it IS also the right of my audience to form their assumptions and interpretations on it. Critique is ALWAYS good.

Regardless of whose toes i step on, nothing will stop me from writing what i feel and conveying whatever message i wish to. Life has never been better, Praise Allah we are still standing tall..intact as a family..provided generously by God.
So if you want to read this..swallow it..
Once read..if it isn't palatable..spit it out..
There's always the comments button to press if you have anything worthy to say..but then again, REMEMBER?..this is MY DOMAIN..i choose what i want to read or publish.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't
be trapped by dogma ? which is living with the results of other people's
thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner
voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and
intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.
Everything else is secondary.
~Excert from the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple
Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios,
delivered on June 12, 2005.~

ONE OF MY CANDLES HAVE BEEN BLOWN OUT

There are friends whom you meet every day of your life, or who are around you all the time. You bump into them all the time, as if they are permanent features of your life tapestry. There are friends whom you meet so ocassionally, that there are pockets of time when they just slip off your memory bank. But there are friends whom you hardly see, maybe once a year if you are lucky, but remain etched in your memory and carved out in your heart and form invisible pillars in your life, who help prop you up when you are down. Throughout my adversity, I am blessed with friends like that. One stand out, because, she was a mere acquaintance, a good friend of my sister's and almost a daughter to my parents, but she pushed the doors to my heart, and became my friend when i was really down and almost completely out. When i had nothing, when i was scraping for daily bread and many whom i thought were friends left me, but she came, and loan me her hand and her shoulder to cry on. She cried for me, when many whom i thought were friends clapped at my saga. She embraced me tightly and told me that she cared and her prayers are always with me and that God is Great and He loves me. She stayed by my side and just chatted with me. And once in a while, my phone would ring and i would here that cheerful, "Hi Kak Shaki, How are you Kak?". And she would spend hours of her precious time talking and chatting to me on her handphone, even if it was a long distance call. But I will not be blessed with that call anymore. Yesterday at noon, Erni was called back to Allah. Throughout my pain and sorrow, i could feel her presence. Erni had her own adversity. She had brain tumour, but she was so full of life. She made me feel so comfortable just telling her what i feel, without her judging me, or making me feel small. She made me forget that she was in a worse predicament than i was, when i was about to lose the custodianship of my children, she was about to lose her life, and her children were about to lose her permanently, but she loan me her ears and her wisdom helped me get through that calamity. What would i do withour you, Erni. And i was unable to even be by your side, or even go and visit you before you were returned to God's earth where we all came from. Little do you know that those calls i got, were those which i looked forward to, those which gave me back my zest for life and my faith in truth and justice. I will not get those calls again; ever. I have no gift left for you, Erni, but my prayers. And my prayers for your children and your ever faithful husband, may Allah grant them strength. And I love you more than any words can say. May Allah convey this message to you. May Allah grant me strength and light, for one of my candles have already been blown out.

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice

"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."

– Edgar Watson Howe

Todays quote certainly ring true. A past experience looms up before me tugging at the corners of my memory bank which i have locked up not wishing to peer into again. Nonetheless, to look back and be thankful for the growth that i have experienced due to what seemed at that time as a horribly bad experience, i believe is a risk worth taking.

There was a time when i was wallowing in self pity, stuck in a rut, not being able to move giving practically every other excuse i can pluck out of thin air to stay put in a complete state of decadence.Sound stupid? I know, but it happens.

There was once a time in my life when I was very unhappy in a polygamous marriage. After devoting my entire life, ambition and career to my husband and family, I was incapable...no...completely unwilling to move, or unable (no refuse) to make a decision on where i should head in my life. Allah sent me so many good advice from well meaning friends and family to either bear with the situation and keep smiling or get out and stop complaining. On top of that He provided me with ready shoulders whenever i needed to cry on, yet i was still stuck unable (no refusing) to move..until one day...

It was a Valentine's eve, and it was promised that my other half was supposed to spend the night with me. We were supposed to have Valentine's dinner together at midnight, but as my gut feeling told me, and as always with these special ocassions, he changed the plans. He was to return to the other home by 11pm, as my heart bled profusely, my face muscles forced a smile, it was my duty to obey and make him happy. I was already having a fever that evening, but i strived to carry out my daily chores and ensure that dinner was ready for my brood of 7 lovely children. My husband and i left for dinner and i tried to push all bad feelings to the back of my brains and tried to make the best of what i had..by 10.30pm i was despatched home, by then, i was so tired i could not drag myself upstairs to my bedroom, so i laid down on the sofa in the living room. I just watched as my children went back and forth up and down and i almost dozed off. Then i felt pin pricks in my left and right toe..i thought..well it must be my temparature..i left it at that. In a short while the pricks seemed to be climbing up to my ankle and it besieged my entire feet..i started to feel rather worried, but i thought never mind..perhaps it was just blood circulation. So i tried to move my feet in circles, i noticed i had to put quite a bit of an effort and they didn't move as much as i wanted them to. In half an hour my feet were numb and the pin pricks have traveled up to my knees..my feet were motionless..now i began to panic..i summoned my two sons to help me rotate my legs and feet for blood to circulate and they did it so diligently which was so unlike my boys..but the pricks kept travelling up..and i kept losing my ability to move along the path which they traveled..when it reached my chest...i thought i was going to die and i really panicked. So did my children..and they were all crying..i was completely helpless and all i could do was watch them because even talking was a task ..i wanted to grab each and everyone of them and tell them how much i love them and how blessed i am with them and how sorry i am for all the horrible things i have said to them in my anger and pain and sorrow and depression and how unfair i have been to them and how sorry i am for not being able to provide them with a perfect childhood like i had and for being such a failure as a wife that their father had to seek someone else's love and how i admitted that all these blunders were entirely mine..but at that point..it seemed worthless..only my eyes could speak and i hoped that they understood what i was trying to say. They managed to contact my husband and with the help of my sons and my sister I was brought to the nearest hospital..my pulse was so low, the pulse monitor kept going off..this was when it all dawned upon me..
IF I WERE TO GO NOW..WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE...38 YEARS SEEMED SO SHORT..WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY GOD..HE GAVE ME ALL THE ABILITY TO MOVE..HE POINTED CHOICES TO ME ..TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF MY LIFE..AND WHAT DID I CHOOSE..WHAT HAVE I CONTRIBUTED TO MAKE THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE..I HAVE NOT EVEN CARRIED OUT MY RESPONSIBILITY AS A MOTHER PROPERLY..OH GOD..PLEASE GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE..

At that particular point, i resolved that if God Almighty gave me a SECOND chance, i will not let my life go to waste again. I will live my life to the full and make sure i leave a legacy behind for my descendants..and my mission started at that very moment. When everyone was asleep, i prayed and tried to move my fingers and toes..and i prayed and i cried to God..and i would fall asleep, sweating and panting, trying..how was i going to raise my babies in my condition like this..i needed to fight..and God is great and truly gracious and merciful, by the third day i could make a miniscule movement with my index finger..and He enveloped me with courage and hope..and that was what that kept me going.And my movement grew stronger and stronger and i learned to sitlike a baby again, stand and walk like a toddler. It was as if God was giving me a second life to live..reduce myself to a helpless baby and grow from there..all fresh and new..

This scare that He gave me was really much much more than the good advice which He sent me..and it paved my way to being who i am today. And I believe it is my mission to help those who are now stuck in a rut like i was, to start moving, hopefully without having to go through the PARALYSING shock i went through. And may He give me strength and wisdom to fulfill my mission.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO MOVE WITHOUT HAVING TO THINK ABOUT WHICH MUSCLE TO CONCENTRATE ON TO MANIFEST THE MOVEMENT THAT I WANTED. I AM THANKFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO BREATHE WITHOUT HAVING TO CONCENTRATE ON MY LUNGS AND WITHOUT HAVING TO STICK THE OXYGEN TUBE UP MY NOSTRILS. I AM THANKFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO GO TO THE TOILET ON MY OWN AND TO CLEANSE MYSELF ON MY OWN. FOR THOSE GIFTS ARE TRULY PRICELESS. IF GOD DECIDES TO TAKE THESE ABILITIES BACK, NO WEALTH NOR MONEY IN THE WORLD WILL BE ABLE TO BUY THEM BACK FOR US.

THANK YOU ALLAH, YOU TRULY ARE THE MOST GRACIOUS AND THE MOST MERCIFUL
THANK YOU ALLAH FOR BEING THERE FOR ME WHEN I CRIED AND PRAYED IN THE HDU WHILE EVERYONE ELSE SLEPT. THANK YOU ALLAH FOR GIVING ME ANOTHER DAY TO REPENT AND TO MAKE GOOD WHAT I HAD DONE WRONG BEFORE YOU CALL ME TO YOUR SIDE. THANK YOU A THOUSAND MILLION TIMES THANK YOU.

And this also came into my email box today
THERE ALWAYS REMAINS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A NEW START.


Though it may not seem so when you first encounter a serious blow, you can never lose two of the most important assets you have. These are the power of your mind and your freedom to use it. Once you have turned them to understanding what laid you low, you can begin forming new plans. You may not have the money you once had; you may lack the allies you had cultivated. But you still have the benefit of a universe that eventually rewards honest effort, as well as gaining the experience of mistakes you will never make again. Remember, no matter where you are now, whatever you can conceive and believe, you can achieve.


Hmmm..i see a message from the divine here..somewhere..:-) perasan...

TODAY IS MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY

As the clock struck 12 this morning, it was the first 21st January which i was not anxious to be sure that i did not forget to wish a dear friend, happy birthday. I would have, but i realise that doing so would make this friend uncomfortable. It is a moment i have strived not to miss for the past 20 odd years of my life, though i must confess that i have, for at least 2 years, actually. Sorry dear friend, but you have had your fair share of misses too.
I am actually inundated with translation work today as i have been every day and night since the dawn of 2006, praise God Almighty for his blessings, but i must set aside everything and take this opportunity to pay tribute to my dearest friend on his 41st birthday.

Your children truly miss you and we all celebrated your birthday in your absence in our own way. You are their father and without you they know they will not be on this earth. There was a time, when i saw one of our children rummaging through our store room under the staircase and I was about to give one of my commando lung emptying holler because i knew things would be strewn across the store room floor and i wasn't ready to clear up the storeroom again, when this son of ours came out with a chequered sarung in his hands, looking rather flustered with embarassment...yours. I pretended not to notice, I just told him, please make sure you close the door behind you because i don't want the cat to go in and do its business there. Ok ummi, came his answer as usual. I was wondering what he was going to do with it, because he has his own sarung for prayers, perhaps, he couldn't find it...that's normal..Being so unlike me, i just let the matter rest...and forgot about it.

That night, as is my practice everynight since i became a single mother, i made my rounds to make sure everyone has gone to bed when they are supposed to, and all lights are turned out and all the dirty laundry collected. In our son's room, i was spectator to the most touching sight, our 15 year old son, who is now on the threshold of being a man, was sleeping like a baby, with your sarung as his blanket. The blanket on his bed, neatly folded on the floor next to the bed. I smoothened the sarong over him, and stroked his hair as tears welled up in my eyes. I know he misses you and they all love and respect you. It is my promise to you, that you will never be forgotten. You live in them, your blood is pumped in their veins. There were so many happy memories we had together. We will preserve this in our memory and all the misgivings and shortcomings will be strewn into the ocean. They will always respect and love you, regardless, because you have given them the gift of life. I promise to always give excuses for things you are unable to fulfill because you are only human, and only God can fulfill all needs. Even separated, we will still function as parents complementing one another for the sake of these 7 beautiful souls we have brought on to this earth. Every special ocassion, be it your birthday, our wedding anniversary, their birthdays, the eid and every other public holiday you will be remembered, and to them you are present, in spirit,as they have come to realise that you may not be able to be there in person. And in each and everyone of this ocassion, we have prayed and will pray for your happiness and prosperity, because we know prosperity lies very close to your heart. May every single thing that you need be given to you. May you find the happiness that you have set out to seek. May your life be good, here and in the hereafter

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAREST FRIEND.

I WANTED TO CHANGE THE WORLD

I miss writing in this blog so much, but i am so overwhelmed right now. There's the bread butter and jam to earn, there's the laundry to be done ( the never ending story), the brood to feed, the house to keep, the toilets and bathroom to clean, the tutorial responsibilities, and the army commando duties of screaming my lungs out to be done. So can we all just settle with things i picked out from the net, ie from my email..so here goes.
This is a little like me, you know..kinda relate to it.

I Wanted To Change The World
By Unknown Monk, 1100 A.D.

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.

I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.

When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.


Sent to you as a courtesy of...
http://www.AsAManThinketh.net

BTW..A wonderful woman and friend visited me earlier today..Rachel..she is truly the epitome of strength and wisdom..if you read this, Moby, i want you to know that you really are the most wonderful person i know, through all the adversities, you shine through like a beacon, and i love you. Thank you for being a friend, even though in terms of social standing we are miles apart. :-)

With Every Breath

With every breath I take today,
I vow to be awake;

And every step I take,
I vow to take with a grateful heart--

So I may see with eyes of love
into the hearts of all I meet,

To ease their burden when I can
And touch them with a smile of peace

So many things to be thankful for

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Author Unknown

I have really been wanting to blog, but praise God Almighty, He has blessed me with so much work. Time to keep focused. Alhamdulillah, may i have enough to send my baby boys to the kindergarten i have in mind. In the mean time, I have to yet split myself into another person. Yes, I have made my mistakes with my children, but we all can start making a brand new ending, Insya Allah.

CAN YOU IMAGINE MY DAY?

Being a single mother of seven, can you imagine my day? Let me just enlighten you. There's the bread to earn to feed my brood of seven, i still have to eat to be able to carry on taking care of them. There's the clothes to wash, hang and when they are dried collected and folded. And if it rains the need to rush out and pick them up and put them aside until the sun shows up again and the sky ceases to shed tears. There's the house to clean. The food to prepare to feed them. And I have to send them to and from school/work. There's also the janatorial responsibilities and the weekly cleaning up of the house, the mopping etc.I tried to get the children to help, but they are also so busy with their extra curricullar activities and their homework. And they need to study..And I just don't have the energy nor the spirit to pick fights with them. I am the mother, i am also the father. It gets tiring, sooo tiring, but i always remember the story my father used to tell me as he was driving me back from school some 30 odd years ago.
We would see this friend of his who would ride his ramshackled bicycle along Hamilton Road in Penang going towards the flats, i can't even begin to recall what the flats are called(am i getting that old?) He would say, "Look at him, that's my friend, he's so hardworking. My friend only travels on his bicycle because he spends all his money to send his sons to England to read medicine." And i used to think..what would we do if we were put in this situation..Ten years later, as I was driving him instead, along the same road, we saw the same scene re-enacted..but this time, the man on the same ramshackled bicycle was grey and weary..his speed was slower, more taxing,and as he pushed one leg down on the paddle his body moved swayed forward, as if to help give the drive to propel his bike forward..My dad said, " See him, my friend, he has two sons who are now successful doctors, and he lives with one of them in a big bungalow, yet he is still riding his old bicycle." He went on to tell me about how humble his friend's sons are and how they contribute to the poor by offering free clinic sessions and how his friend still cycle just to bring himself back down to earth so that he will not forget his roots. His efforts are paid in full. God is Great, and He'll never short change you.
As I am typing this, my tears just kept pouring, because i miss my father so much. He has departed some 5 years ago, yet his silent wisdom and his patience still live within me. He was a great Dad, he was silent most of the time, he spoke only when necessary, he never exhibited his love with physical gestures, that sometimes we all took him for granted, until we lost him. Then we realised it wasn't his words, but the energy of LOVE that was eminating from his being which kept all of us together, huddled together in a warm and fuzzy surrounding, in the embrace of his LOVE, and when he went, we're all left cold and groping, even mom, infact, even more so Mom. I miss him so much.We all do..
Well back to my day, and my struggles, i guess I am giving all i've got, slogging day and night for my children's education, just like dad's friend. And I believe Allah will not shortchange me. He is Just and one day I will look back and say, I haven't done a bad job after all. But i don't have an old bicycle to ride..maybe i will just go for a walk..

Making This Decision Wasn't Easy

Deciding on embarking on a totally new ship, much much less comfortable, to navigate through life wasn't an easy decision to make, my dear children. I weighed the pros and cons for a long while, and my concern has always and will always remain the same, while i am still breathing, your well being. But all those years I failed to see that by staying in a marriage where the love and respect was one sided was not a healthy image for all you precious beings to emulate, yes I realised that it was the right thing to do, to love unconditionally, but i forgot that i was showing you not to love yourselves first. You need to love yourselves first, darlings, before you can love others. It took mammoth strength for me to pry myself (and yourselves) away from what seemed like financial comfort, in order to gain emotional and spiritual peace. It was truly a difficult decision. But decide, i did. I picked all of you up from a cruise ship, quite luxurious, but very emotionally taxing, and plonked all of you on a horribly delapidated barge, with only the winds to cool us, and boy, does it get cold sometimes. No more cuisine, just basic food :-), not served but we need to find. So here we are, on our barge, after begging borrowing and 'stealing' to get on this vehicle, we are heading towards our dream island. One year on, we are getting closer to our destination. We know, we can count on God Almighty, and we definitely have to count on one another. Together we are healing, and I hope this brave decision shall be my legacy to all of you and to all your children and their children... that you sometimes need to take the plunge. Together we will learn to grow again, there will be storms, and we will face these calamities by huddling against one another to keep each other warm and safe. Maybe one day, no SURELY one day, you will see your mother write as a successful person, helping other people who are in our predicament, to take a less comfortable vehicle, and we will try to make it less painful for them, cos we've been there and done that.
Please know, that inspite of everything, you are everything to me, and I will do anything to make your lives better...the best..and you all are brilliant..never forget that.