Deciding on embarking on a totally new ship, much much less comfortable, to navigate through life wasn't an easy decision to make, my dear children. I weighed the pros and cons for a long while, and my concern has always and will always remain the same, while i am still breathing, your well being. But all those years I failed to see that by staying in a marriage where the love and respect was one sided was not a healthy image for all you precious beings to emulate, yes I realised that it was the right thing to do, to love unconditionally, but i forgot that i was showing you not to love yourselves first. You need to love yourselves first, darlings, before you can love others. It took mammoth strength for me to pry myself (and yourselves) away from what seemed like financial comfort, in order to gain emotional and spiritual peace. It was truly a difficult decision. But decide, i did. I picked all of you up from a cruise ship, quite luxurious, but very emotionally taxing, and plonked all of you on a horribly delapidated barge, with only the winds to cool us, and boy, does it get cold sometimes. No more cuisine, just basic food :-), not served but we need to find. So here we are, on our barge, after begging borrowing and 'stealing' to get on this vehicle, we are heading towards our dream island. One year on, we are getting closer to our destination. We know, we can count on God Almighty, and we definitely have to count on one another. Together we are healing, and I hope this brave decision shall be my legacy to all of you and to all your children and their children... that you sometimes need to take the plunge. Together we will learn to grow again, there will be storms, and we will face these calamities by huddling against one another to keep each other warm and safe. Maybe one day, no SURELY one day, you will see your mother write as a successful person, helping other people who are in our predicament, to take a less comfortable vehicle, and we will try to make it less painful for them, cos we've been there and done that.
Please know, that inspite of everything, you are everything to me, and I will do anything to make your lives better...the best..and you all are brilliant..never forget that.
3 comments:
"cuando una puerta se cierra otra se abre" is the Spanish way of saying when one door closes another opens.
This means that action - getting out of one doorway - will lead you into another doorway, which may or not be better. But staying in the passageway will get you nowhere.
If as a result of your move, you enter the way to better things, be thankful. If not, remember that you can still improve your situation, with God's help of course.
Wish you and your children all happiness.
"Maybe one day, no SURELY one day, you will see your mother write as a successful person, helping other people who are in our predicament, to take a less comfortable vehicle, and we will try to make it less painful for them, cos we've been there and done that."
:-)
It's almost three years from this post. And there is *at least* one "other people" that you have helped - some weirdo in Pasir Mas whose wife wants to dump him... You have given him HOPE and some STRENGTH.
"It's been one year"... Is there another blog that has your thoughts jotted down, please? That means "late 2004/early 2005" - that was a very bad time for me too. More and more, you seem to be "my fellow traveller" too. But we were on different roads then, with different burdens on our backs...
I will savour all your previous posts from this one ... reading one by one leisurely, trying to imagine being you and the situations that you had faced. And how you had handled them, what you had learned.
And then ONE DAY, I will meet you in the present.
For some reason, the Feed Demon that I use didn't download the earlier posts. Looks like I'll have to do this manually - go to each and every post and save them to disk. BUT I DEFINITELY WILL...
This is where it all began - the blog I mean. I had read this one (and it wasn't "once"); and it's my "second round".
It was already one year into your voyage... I know where I was on the day of this particular post (2 1/2 months at Gambang, red shirt and not "Cendana" yet; and I was happy). I'm trying to remember what imagine what it was with me in Jan 2005...
This type of writing: As I had mentioned about a later post a couple of days ago, this one also goes DEEP inside.
- Pasir Mas 16 Dec 2008
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